Happy Halloween from Captain Rossi!

Busy Bee!

Sorry the blog has been quite boring lately, I have been soooo busy. We have been preparing for another vintage sale and just had one a couple of weeks ago. The sale is November 7th at Nine Mile Falls Elementary and there will be some great vendors there. I am not able to attend due to a work class/test (sheds a little tear).  I also have been studying for a lovely little test called ACLS- advanced cardiovascular life support. Doesn't that just sound like a basket of puppies kind of test? Needless to say my stress level has been consistently high for about a month now. Things will get better after this doozy of a test is over (cross your fingers I pass!)

Woo Hoo!

The Seahawks have finally won a game. My husband is happy again.

1 year.

I have reached the one year mark and I can't believe I am writing this post.  I have been writing about our journey to have a baby for the last year and not posting the entries. I had written one where I stated that if I reached the one year mark I would finally publish them. Here are the secret blog entries! They start after this post with the oldest, which I think I wrote in December 2008 and go from there.  I have read through all of them and realized through this process that my patience's has really grown. In the first few post I am very impatient, and looking back on it maybe that is supposed to be my lesson.  I believe that you can learn from every experience and I have learned so much about myself and our marriage. I believe that Ry and I have built a stronger marriage and friendship from our last year.  It may take a while to reach our goal, but it will be so much sweeter when we get there! Thanks for reading my story.

My hopefully soon to be public post.

There are some things that I have not been able to share on my blog, because I know my family checks it frequently. This is a topic that has taken over my sanity lately, it is called baby fever. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for three months now and none of our family knows. I need to vent about it and I can't. I will publish this post and some other ones when we do get pregnant and want everyone to know. Sometimes it just feels good to let things out and thats what I am doing. It really bothers me how so many people can accidently get pregnant. I just don't get it! Here I am ready to have a baby, financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally, but no baby. I know everything happens for a reason and my time will come, but it is hard to patient when this is something R and I want so bad. I pray all the time that this process goes smoothly and doesn't take to long. If someone has a crystal ball that they would like to lend me that would be great. Thanks for letting me vent.

The post I wrote yesterday about keeping a gratitude journal is mostly related to my trying to conceive journey. I feel like it has really been getting me down that I am not pregnant yet. I have so many thoughts about how fun it would be to tell our families on Christmas, or how I would love to have a summer baby. These thoughts are now gone, maybe next year. It is also is difficult at work since there are a few pregnant gals that are complaining about their discomfort, morning sickness, and growing bellies. All I want to do sometimes is say that I would take those symptoms any day to be pregnant. I know couples try for years, but I feel like each month is so long. I know it will happen when it happens, but I want it now, (spoken in a really whiny voice).

Happy news, but not mine.

Some friends of ours told us tonight that they are expecting. (insert the blow to my gut here). They weren't really trying, of course.  I absolutely hate the jealousy I feel, and I don't know how to control it. I have never experienced such raw emotion as I do now. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this since no one really knows we are trying. I am truly excited for this couple and I offered to throw her a shower when the time comes. I am sorry for how blunt my posts have been lately, but I feel that the truth will help someone else that feels the way I do. I have also decided that I need to get schnockered drunk, have sex in the back seat of a car at makeout point in a prom dress, maybe that will do the trick. I doubt the hubby will fall for that date idea. My poor husband, thank you for dealing with my craziness.

I am hopeful.

For some odd reason this month I am very relaxed about getting pregnant.  I don't know if it is because of the holidays and many distractions.  Anyway I feel like this is the month, timing seemed right. I suppose we will find out in a couple weeks (crosses fingers, wishes on a star, and whispers a little prayer).

Over analyzing, weird, not me!

So I do really over analyze things.  I am four days past ovulation and ever cramp and twinge is making me crazy.  I know that it is too early to feel any type of pregnancy symptoms but I can't help but wish. I guess we will see in about ten days if the symptoms are real or a phantom baby.

I was just thinking....

So the last cycle didn't turn out to be "the one". As Ry says, "one more month to save money". He is such an accountant.  I am trying to stick with my yoga this cycle and I have also started drinking green tea, supposedly it increases fertile cervical mucus, eww? Who knows, but I guess it can't hurt. I have been torturing myself a lot lately with what I like to call baby crack.  Baby crack is lurking online for things like bedding, diaper bags, or anything baby. I have already found everything I may need or want. While lurking for baby crack I came to the decision (for now) that I don't want to know the sex of the baby if... I ever get pregnant. I have this vision of Ry walking out to the waiting room and making the announcement.  Me and my wild imagination.  I will update you as the month goes on.

Boo for bad health insurance.

Since I am somewhat of a planner I decided to e-mail my health insurance company, to ask a few questions.  In case the issue of infertility does come up I want to be prepared for what to expect financially. I know that this is a ways off, but it is my biggest fear right now.  So I asked the company what they cover for treatment.  The response I got was NOTHING. They will cover everything up until you get a diagnosis, after that everything is out of pocket.  I couldn't believe that they didn't help out at all. Let's hope we never reach that point.  I guess maybe the planner in me should have just waited until the day comes. No pressure little ovaries.

Fortune Cookie.

Being the person that I am I like to read into things. Bad habit, and I need to break it. Well anyway, Ry and I were at dinner and got our fortune cookies. The rule is you must eat the cookie and then read your fortune or it won't come true. So I chow down my cookie and read my fortune. It reads as follows: Your hard work this last month will pay off. My silly little heart skipped a beat. So according to me, my imagination, and this little fortune cookie I am knocked up. I guess we will have to wait and see once again. If we don't get a positive test this month, then poor Ry gets to go in. My face is turning red in embarrassment for him. I guess it makes up for all the exams I will have to have once there is a bun in the oven. Lets hope my uterus decides to take up a tenant and we can skip Ry's test all together. Love you honey!

Onto next month :(

My fortune cookie was a filthy liar.  

His way or the highway.

Okay not really but it sounded neat.  So Ry is going to skip testing this month and we are going to try things "his way" this month.  If nothing after this month,  then he reluctantly will go in.  "His way" consists of no fertility monitor, no perfect timing, no alcohol (eek), and just have fun.  I bet you I get knocked up this month just so he can say "my way is the best way".  I think that would mean the resulting embryo would be on his side?

Another thing that has crossed my mind, is when to publish these posts if I don't get pregnant soon.  I am thinking the one year mark might be appropriate, if we reach that point. *Crosses fingers it doesn't get to that point*

I don't know.

That is my motto about this cycle. I feel like I know nothing. I don't know what day I am on, if I ovulated, or when af should appear.  i am not sure if this is a good thing or not. Oh well. Thats all for now.

He is persuasive.

Ry has once again talked me out having go in for his testing.  I think I keep letting it go because I know he will be embarrassed, and I don't want him to feel that way.  I think that maybe this cycle we will take a step back and relax again.  I also think that I am going to stop drinking when I am out with friends or family.  Some friends of ours mentioned that they don't even ask anymore because they will be able to tell by what I order.  I don't want to be a dead giveaway, but I do enjoy a good drink.

Where have I been?

I have been mia on my trying to conceive topic. Maybe I am relaxing and taking a step back like I said before. So Vegas didn't result in a jackpot baby but it was still a great time. I have already ovulated this month and I am just sitting here waiting for the next step. If I did get pregnant this month the little babe would be due in December.  I know it shouldn't matter but I feel like this is the month I would least like to get pregnant. If it does happen I will still be just as excited.

The "Plan"

This week I changed ob/gyn practices.  I met with a wonderful doctor, who really took my needs into consideration, and was just as serious about getting me pregnant as I am.  She wants day 21 progesterone levels and prolactin, day 3 fsh, estradiol, and thyroid levels. She also really wants Ry to go in for a semen analysis. If Ry's results come back normal we will start Clomid next cycle. The doctor wants to continue with the Clomid  for six months, if no results then we move on to a reproductive endrocrinologist. Her success rate is pretty good, she only has to refer 2/10 couples on to the RE. I am excited about this plan, but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up.  I really never thought we would need medical help to conceive, so I think that I am still dealing with this whole idea.

????????

I may be jinxing myself with this post, but here goes. I am on day 25 with no spotting, no sore boobies, just abdominal twinges and pinches. I have never gone this long without sore boobies. Either I ovulated later then I thought or I am knocked up, crosses fingers. I don't think I will be able to start my clomid next month due to test results not being ready in time. I think I am okay with one more month of no help.

One of those days.

I did jinx myself. Guess who arrived, yep af. I am handling it better then I had thought.  I have to go in on Tuesday for more blood work and will start my dose of clomid on Friday. I did get a call from my doctor this week with some of my test results. my prolactin level was normal, but my progesterone was very low- just as I had suspected. My level was 4.9, it needs to be above 10, ideally 20. It is high enough to show that I ovulated but not high enough to sustain a pregnancy. The clomid is supposed to help with this issue. When I talked to her she said she doesn't want to waste time waiting for my day 3 labs, so start the clomid anyway. If the semen analysis is bad we can stop the clomid next month. I just hope all of this does the trick. We don't have the money saved to do any other type of treatment right now. As always I guess we will wait and see, go ovaries go!

Finally.

No I am not pregnant, but the swimmers have made it to the lab, I repeat the swimmers made it to the lab. Yes we will finally know how Ry's boys are doing. Also I had the rest of my bloodwork done. All of these tests are bittersweet, it is nice to know that some things are okay, but worrisome when some thing is off. T-2 days until the first clomid pill is consumed. Yikes. Ry keeps joking about having twins, not very funny.

Hard pill to swallow.

I just consumed my first Clomid pill. Yes, I am officially taking fertility drugs. I never thought I would have to experience this, but here I am. Once I publish these posts I hope that it will help someone else going through the same thing. I know that this is nothing compared to what many couples struggle with. You just don't think it will ever be you. Let's just hope the side effects aren't too bad or this will be an even harder pill to swallow.

And the results are....

Great, everything was normal. The swimmers have tails, can swim and are highly populated. The rest of my blood work came back normal.  So now the only problem we have is waking up my lazy ovaries and getting them to produce more progesterone.  I think I am going to be ovulating on vacation, maybe we will come home with a little souvenir, wink wink.  As for the Clomid it has made me mildly bloated, and I have had to deal with one measly hot flash. Knock on wood in case I spoke too soon.  Bon voyage until next weekend, I am off to Sunriver, Oregon.

Oh Martha.

My doctor's nurse called to give me my new progesterone levels since the clomid was started. Her name is Martha yet she is quite young, I thought she would be older? She is such a sweetheart and is so good about calling back, thanks Martha. Anyway she called and said my level was at 20! After she read my levels I hear "you go girl". She is wonderful. Thanks for all your great care Martha.

Round and round we go.

Onto the next cycle, boo-hiss.  I had a doctors appointment yesterday and she seemed very surprised that I wasn't pregnant.  She gave me a refill for the next 4 months of the same dose since it worked well.  She also asked if I would like to take it from days 3-7 instead, higher chance of twins, my response "one is enough". We went over all of the labs again, and again she reassured me that everything is where it should be. I did have a meltdown/pity party on Saturday. I think I have been holding everything together for so long that I just let loose. The tears flowed, a little hyperventilating happened, and of course there wasn't anyone around but the dog. Thanks for being a shoulder to cry on Rossi, she deserves more dog cookies then I could ever provide her with.  So here we go again,  repeats over and over "chin up".

Back to the basics.

This month I stopped using my fertility monitor. I think I depend on it way too much and I am not looking at the whole picture. I treated the monitor reading as gospel. I have gone back to charting, I used to do this in the very beginning of our ttc adventure. From what my temps show it looks like our timing was perfect, crosses fingers. I also had really bad ovulation pain this month on both sides. Of course the next night I had a dream that I was pregnant and at my first ultrasound, the tech was like here is baby a and baby b, twins! I need to lay off spicy food before bed.

I have finally decided why ttc is so hard for me, you have no control.  I like to feel like I have control over certain things in my life and this is one thing I wish I had more control over.  I am not a control freak by any means but this is such a huge part of your life. You get to decide when you marry, buy a house, change careers, and retire. These are all pretty major decisions. With ttc you decide when you want to start, and hope that it happens when you want. The further along we go in our journey the less control I have, I need to just let go. I think I can, I think I can!

Nicole's ovaries vs Clomid, Round 3.

In this corner we have Nicole's ovaries weighing in at mere ounces. In the other corner we have Clomid, the elusive fertility drug, weighing in at 50 mg. Bell rings and round three begins. I just popped the first of five pills last night. If this is going to work it is supposed to in the first three months, so I am hoping that third time is a charm, right? Ry and I had a heart to heart about our journey for a child a few nights ago and we developed a new plan. After the clomid treatment is done we were going to be referred to a reproductive endocrinologist, to start getting more aggressive. We aren't ready. Financially we can't afford to pay out of pocket for these types of treatments. So my new insurance covers acupuncture, and this will be our next step if we need to jump this hurdle. There is a lot of evidence that traditional chinese medicine is very successful. This wouldn't be until December, but you have to plan ahead. In other news I have started a weight loss plan and lost 6lbs, woohoo. Now I just have to stay motivated!

When will it happen?

This is  a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. We want a baby so bad. There is nothing easy about getting a baby right now and we are willing to put in the work. I almost took this month off of everything, but I read one quote that put all the hope back in place. The quote is "your babies birthday is already set, and each month you are one step closer to it". Could someone follow me around all day chanting that? I think it's slowly getting more difficult because I see the end of my clomid treatment getting closer. After our treatment is over we have to either take a break, or move on with more invasive and expensive treatment. I must take things day by day and not look so far ahead. I can't believe that we are going onto cycle 12, I never thought it would be this difficult. My sex-ed teacher totally lied.

Another step forward.

I had my first acupuncture appointment on Thursday. I really enjoyed myself and felt great afterwards. She treated me for a luteal phase defect and also knee pain that I have battled with for years. As soon as the needles were in, my knee almost went numb, it was so strange how it worked almost instantly. We discussed how long it would take to get a bun in the oven, she said about 3-6 months if it is going to work.  She is having me take traditional chinese herbs, omega-3, fiber, prenatals, vit b-6, and vit c, also no alcohol, no pop, no caffeine, and cut back on refined sugars. Gosh that is quite a list. If it works I would take double that amount. As for my acupuncture treatments I have to go in during the beginning of my cycle, as close to ovulation as possible and five days past ovulation. She also wants to supplement progesterone since I am quite deficient. I really like the whole philosophy of Eastern medicine of treating the whole person, not just a single problem-since everything is intertwined in the human body. I feel light and hopeful, I really think this is going to work.

The cat is sort of out of the bag.

I told my mother in law about our ttc struggles. She was very understanding and didn't give me the "you just need to relax" comment, like so many people do. She did say one comment that made me feel like this will happen. She said that we will have a baby one way or another, because Ry and I would be too good of parents not to have children. Thanks.

I also am very excited for this week because I have my first appointment with an acupuncturist that specializes in infertility. When I called and made the appointment they were very kind and informative-I like this already. She spends two hours with every patient for their first visit. It's unheard of that any medical professional spends two hours with a patient. I am very hopeful and think this could be my answer. I used one of those due date calculators to see what it would be if there is a + test this month. You know what the due date would be, my 28th birthday. It would only be the greatest gift ever. I must pull my head out of the clouds now and continue with my day.

Wild Women are procrastinators.

So here are some pics from the Wild Women sale, sorry they are so late! We had an awesome time, met some new friends, were invited to two more shows-yipee, and enjoyed the beautiful weather. Now I just need to quit my job and do this full time. Who needs benefits, right? Tori is modeling one of my cute flowers that I have been making. Thanks Tori, maybe you shouldn't have such pretty hair, then you won't have to be my model.